Vulnerabilty

*Written in my Journal at the Behest of Matt P.*

For a Day and a half, I've been thinking over the concept of vulnerability.

Since being in Matt P's office, and looking at my one-on-ones with counselors, I've felt vulnerable, sometimes to the point of my detriment--I'm usually in control, (Or I feel the illusion of control.)

At the center, I cannot throw on the Academic mask. I feel like I shouldn't because wearing the academic mask has gotten me into so many problems before this. James is unable to hide behind his mask. I'm utterly ashamed of the fact I just started like about 4 or 3 sentences with "I" and I used "not" like twice. Looking at my hand-writing also makes me sick.

Coming here makes me slouch in the uncomfortable chairs. My chest feels heavy. All of this is like being in the playground again or off the bus, and I know the kids are waiting for me. I'm nervous all the time. I'm angry too at my roommates, specifically the ones who can't do dishes. I know I'm not special, but it actively feels like I'm trying to keep the place clean. Truth is, I feel like we're going to get kicked out, like multiple times. I feel like I'm back in the classroom.The world here is so small and manageable.


Even now I can feel myself shrinking. Nothing I do seems in control. I guess i need to stop care-taking others. Letting the pain out, has been something I fought. I have been vulnerable here since day 0, and and when I think I've nailed down by problems, my mind cracks and I retreat into being with others. Becky had told me, that my boredom is a symptom of something, and I think a lot about how much i have to be around people. I wonder if I will learn to be strong in myself.

The first lesson I learned in "vulnerability" was the Computer testing one. I was moved to a room, and you see, normally I'm really fast on the computer. I worked through those questions in under a minute, and then moved on to the next test, that is if the computer would let me.

Sometimes, the computer would not--and I was forced to wait, until someone noticed me, or someone told me to go downstairs and simply wait. As you might imagine this was frustrating, because, A. I'm good with computers. I don't mean good, I mean really good, and usually computers do my will. But these computers were specific, and they kept asking the same questions over and over and over again.

To say I felt Vulnerable is to say it clearly. I felt like they didn't know who I was, which was something Matt P and I discussed at length. The ultimate point was to see about my paperwork, which I had faxed specifically in advance of reaching the center. I was told by Christa, that they didn't have my paperwork. This started to really upset me, because A. I had sent it, and B. It had not bounced.

When asked could I use a computer to clear things up, the answer was sure, go to the library and I was sent walking and returned about an hour after they had closed. The closure of the building felt like the ultimate slap in my face, since A. They had lost my paperwork, and I was B. Doing them a favor. That night I went hope and sulked about what I referred to as their ineptness.

My roommate, Harold suggested little, except that he was going to bed. In the morning, I trudged up to the office, with the paperwork, i had brought from Dallas. I approached the desk and at that time, with nobody present to talk to me, I surrendered the paperwork from my trip, not the paperwork I had scanned meticulously into my computer, but the paperwork i had brought with me. I felt defeated and weak, but I wanted the nightmare over.

For a while, I sat there and questioned whether or not what they had done to me was a test, because it felt like a test. My roommate said to me, in some way, everything is a test. It was hard to sit there, and think they made me feel vulnerable over some paperwork. This of course was not the first time I felt pushed by the center, but it was the most memorable.

Vulnerabilty was reached on several occasions. On this one occasion, the day of the paperwork, I felt I was the most vulnerable I've ever felt.

Your Affirmation Leader,

James