One Semester Down and Moving On

To say that things were great, when I came home from the Center is a lie. To say I was ready for the tasks ahead of me, is another matter. It was hard at first, and then it was smooth. The connection I felt for the people at the center was strong, but it was fleeting, and I had to work to actually keep up with them, and to ask them if they wanted to know about me. Most did, though the pull of their lives pulled them in, and I was pulled into my own life. The first three months were strong and full of promise, though there was a nagging concern. I came home to less money in the bank account, than I had ever had, and that money being gone weighed on me. I didn't know how to deal without it, and it felt as if I had been released merely to suffer. I struggled with the idea that God was punishing me, or trying to speak to me, and while things fell apart for me, others around me flourished. To judge my own spiritual growth by their standards was hard, and wrong, but it was easy to do, and I was frustrated! I was frustrated by the idea that I had done so much and I couldn't restart the way I wanted. I was stuck in a distinctive mire of financial woah that I couldn't fix easily, nor immediately. And as a man, having financial issues, in a downward economy made me angrier and angrier.

The second thing, i wanted to do was get off my Mom's payroll. Yes, off it. No more freebie gifts of money, I was going to be financially stable If i worked hard and if I prayed and persevered. Praying steadied me for a time, but I ended up crying most all the time. People who were close to me, would say you haven't given yourself over to him, and they were right, to some extent. IT was hard to see others flourish while I languished. Things I loved were being taken from me, steadily, and I hadn't found my new groove yet, it was without a doubt, the hardest thing I had ever done, and remains so.

At the end of it, my relationship took a nose dive. It splintered and I was broken beyond belief, because I had done the center to save the relationship, i had gone and spent so much money and it was over, in less than four months. My own spiritual growth was weak, but that was the end, i had fallen so far, I felt little connection to my savior, for all that kept happening were bad things. My account was overdrawn, my friends were far away, and the woman I thought loved me, was sending me away. I guess there is a small strange lesson in this, which I suppose I will study for the rest of my life. It hurts sometimes to use the keyboard and write about this. Perhaps a break is in order.

More Soon,

Me